No one should ever rush into divorce proceedings. It is important to consider whether there is any possibility that expert counselling might be able to help. No matter how black things may look to you, it may well be that there's a way to save your relationship. Over time, problems may work themselves out. Anger dissolves and feelings change. With a little patience, you and your spouse may be able to resolve your difficulties.
The first thing to understand is that the marriage in which there have never been any problems is something that doesn't exist. It is not an admission of failure if you are having difficulties. But if things are going wrong you are likely to feel unhappy, confused and uncertain about the right thing to do.
For those who need clarity, Relate provides the main counselling service for people having problems in their relationship. Relate has centres all over the country and more than fifty years’ experience of helping couples in trouble. It offers counselling to either to married or unmarried couples.
The atmosphere at Relate centres is as friendly and relaxed as possible, with paper hankies always at the ready. The problems people bring to the counsellors are as many and varied as the people themselves – difficulty in talking to a partner or in persuading a partner to talk to them, jealousy, loneliness and problems with children or in-laws are common examples.
Relate emphasise that the time to come for counselling is when the problems first arise. Waiting for problems to resolve themselves may mean that by the time counselling is sought it is too late because things have already got out of hand. However, that doesn't mean that counselling is ineffective when problems have existed for a long time. Couples can be helped at any stage.
Obviously, counselling is likely to be more successful if both you and your partner go together but even if your partner refuses to go, counselling can often help. If things do begin to improve in the relationship as a result of the counselling sessions, your partner might be persuaded to come with you.
What the counsellor does during the sessions is to try to help you understand your relationship, the problems which have come up, the possible causes, and the various choices available to you as solutions. The counsellor then helps you to work out your own answers to the issues. He or she doesn't tell you what to do; it's for you to consider the options open to you and to decide on the one that suits you best.
Counsellors will not try to persuade you to stay together. They know how damaging a divorce can be, particularly when there are children involved, but they are realistic. They recognise that there is no hope for some relationships. If a marriage must end, the counsellor is trained to help the couple to part with less anger or bitterness and to reach a fair and friendly settlement of matters concerning their children and any property that they own.
In addition to Relate, counselling is also provided by such organisations as Marriage Care (formerly the Catholic Marriage Advisory Council) and the Jewish Marriage Council. Your local Citizens Advice Bureau can also supply you with details of similar organisations.